Introducing Onions, the Metaphysical Dealbreaker

At a pre-independence day BBQ (Bee-Bee-Cue, not Bar-Bee-Cue), Rebecca George delighted in the company of her fellow peers. Well, forgive the unexciting wording, she also was sans girlfriend, and thus missed her girlfriend terribly. Despite the girlfriend pining, the clear demonstration of secret sans-girlfriend rejoicing, was in her ability to: place several hot dog buns on her plate, put hot dogs in them (I swear this is no euphemism, I am getting to the point), and atop these already shimmering hot dogs, lather on the French’s mustard, the dinosaur-green relish, and most egregious of all, the onions.

This was Rebecca’s innocent and giddy way of delighting in her temporary independence, for she exclaimed “I don’t have to kiss anyone tonight, so HAH! ONIONS! MUSTARD!” She then gleefully stared at Robert and I as the oozing pattern of onions checkered her hot dog menagerie. Robert, of course, is a big onion fan. He stared enviously at the tempting array of pungent flavors, eyes glazing over. He has historically explored all stanky depths of an onion’s impact, raw or cooked whenever opportunity struck, and then lovingly insisted on playing his own tongue-y version of tennis.

Alas, on this evening, he had already eaten. I was spared.

Rebecca and Robert are two ethically interesting cases as they relate to the consumption of onions and their loved ones. Rebecca’s consumption on this night reveals how she avoids onions only when she will harm another, sacrificing the pleasures of the taste bud for the comfort of her love. Rebecca is clearly an ethically conscious being. Robert, on the other hand, could conceivably marble his tongue with a raw onion so that merely speaking close to him induces onion-chopping tears. To the onion hedonist, pleasure is pleasure, and those who love him should love him as he is. He will enjoy what he loves at all costs, and he should not have to uphold lies of onion-omission just to secure himself some snogs at the end of the night. He is secure in the love that he has, and the snogging he will receive until eternity, despite knowing that the presence, idea, and most importantly TASTE and AFTERTASTE and HORROR of ONION all disturbs his lover. All of this lead me to ask myself: should we avoid eating what we love because of its impact on others?

My own opinion, at least with regard to onions, is along the lines of the following: we should never consume them. Eating onions is abhorrent, not because of who we have to kiss, but because you have to live with yourself. An onion’s aftertaste stays in you for days on end. No amount of electric toothbrush, flossing, mouthwash combination can obliterate the foul oniony remnants that expand with time. The taste chooses when to escape. It then attempts to leave from every hair-pore in your body. Like a maggot that is too fat, it strains through you with difficulty, and often has to leave bits of itself behind. These bits then take on a life of their own and become onion-maggots too. Your entire life post-consumption of an onion becomes coloured by the onion. What happened to your mouth? It disintegrated into an ONION HAUNTED HOUSE. Thus, eating onions is too harrowing an experience to undergo at all.

So the answer to the question is no. Avoid doing anything out of love of others. And never eat onions. Do what you need to because you need to live with yourself, and in this case, you need to live with your own mouth and the natural halitosis you probably already have that does not need to b exacerbated by anything that onions have to offer you.*

* This way you will learn who your real friends are, and who will love you and kiss you no matter what.

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